I have a friend, my very first best friend, as it were, that sent me the happiest of news last night, “Paul and I are having a baby in May 2015!!!” I was elated for them. They have been married almost two years, dated for 5 years before that, we all knew it was just a matter of time for these two, but the news came and we all were happy and responding with well wishes, congratulations, and the jokes that come with “doing it” from your old high school crowd.
About an hour later, as the texts were dying off, and our jokes were coming to an end, she sent a message that felt like someone had punched me in the gut, “The second generation is getting big!” Meaning our “crew” from school were all having babies of their own. This didn’t hit me like a rock because she said it, or because I am not happy for my friends, but because I am not part of this group.
Before long, out nights out for dinner and game night will be changed to play dates and birthday parties, and where will I be? I will be the one everyone smiles at and hugs, saying hi and secretly wondering when I will join the reign of “mom.” Will I ever join this so close-knit group? I have no idea.
Last night I had the first ticks of my biological clock. It ticked loud, and hard, and long. I sat in silence starting at my wall thinking, “What if I never have children?” “What if I never get married?” I know I am told, “Oh! You still have plenty of time!” But do I? I had surgery last week for endometriosis. This means my uterus doesn’t function properly, and a lot of women deal with this and go on to have tons of babies. Then there are the other women, who fight this issue their entire lives, and life of their fertility, only to take numerous drugs and shots, and still be disappointed. This is where people tell me, “Well, that isn’t you!” and “God has a plan.”
Yes, God does have a plan, and what if God’s plan does not include a family for me? I am a control freak. I have problems handing anything over to anyone. This follows me into my faith, as well. I have to catch myself several times a day, week, and month trying to make something happen, to control an uncontrollable situation. I take a step back, think on it, and eventually say a prayer saying I am sorry for fighting His plan, and trying to take control myself. I ask for help in handing the issue over, and pray for strength that I will eventually find it easier to let God take control.
One day, I may have a child or children, and if I do, I will consider myself blessed. One day, I may wake up and find my options exhausted, as well as myself, and decide it just isn’t going to happen for me. As for now, I am still extremely happy for my loved ones who are starting families, and growing them. I will still love on the little babies, and smell their clean hair, and rock them until I can’t feel my arms anymore. Then there will be moments, or days where these growing pains actually hurt. Deep down, painfully hurt, and that is okay too.