Repurpose

It has been a while since I last updated the masses on the happenings in my world, so what better time than the beginning of a new year.  Happy 2016, everyone!

I am always happy to see a New Year come bursting forth with the fireworks, ball drops, and drunken people into the streets; however, this year, I was PUMPED!  2015 started out pretty rough as far as dealing with some sickness and work stress, but it took a turn, and ended really well.

I got a new job, one that I have been wanting for a while, it happened at just the right time.  I am loving my new job, and so blessed to have it.  I feel like a completely different person, full of life and happiness.  I do not dread getting up and going to work.  I enjoy getting dressed and seeing what my day will hold for me.  I am happy to have found a place and a job that allows me the freedom of doing what I love, and a company that I feel is just as amazing as the job itself.  I am really blessed.

The BF and I , (more like the BF, and I help), took the adventure of getting a puppy in January of 2015, and she is now a year old.  Her name is Maci, and anyone that knows me well, knows she is the love of my life.  She is a furball of happiness and surprises every day.  She makes me world a happy place, and reminds me that there is always happiness  in the simple things.  I could ramble about her all day and all night, because I love her so much, but I will spare you and just leave you with the cutest photo of her EVER!

 

12039417_10100419241884535_7620912163216531451_n

See what I mean?! Adorable and fluffy and pure love.

Two of my cousins had babies in 2015, both boys, and a month a half a part.  I have enjoyed watching the two boys grow.  I cannot wait until they are older and actually causing mischief together.  I’m sure they will be raising all kinds of hell in their future.  I will enjoy all of it, and their parents’ faces when the stories come out!

I also completed three 5K’s in 2015.  I had a goal of completing a 5K when I was 30.  I didn’t meet that goal, but I did complete three of them in my 32nd year, and I am completely okay with that.  I feel like this past year has really allowed me to get to know myself.  I feel like with everything that has been going on over the past few years, I have lost a bit of myself and my way.

In 2015, I found myself, and was reminded of who and what I am.  I am happy with me, work in progress that I am.  I have learned some valuable lessons in life and in love.  I am so very lucky to have found a man that I am completely head over heels for, and that has shown me what it’s like to “grow up”.  I know this sounds crazy, but everyone has parts of their life they are not proud of, and they need to work on.  I am okay with admitting my problem areas for the first time in a long time, and I am working on them.  Slow and steady wins the race.

The year of 2015 was a recovery and rediscovering period for me, and 2016 will be the regrowth year.  I am ready!  I have decided to focus on my faith, finances, and my relationships.  This really is the year of growth and regrowth for me.  I hope this year is a year of joy and blessings for all of you, as well!

Advertisements

Me? Me? Or me?

I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life.  I am sure I struggled with it as a teen too, but never really thought twice about it.  I sucked it up and moved on. As an adult, it has been much harder.  I think as we grow up, we realize that life does not always get better, there are hardships that we face, we lose loved ones, we lose loves, we lose friends, and we ever lose ourselves.

I lost myself.  Once you lose yourself, it is so hard to find “you” again.  The you that was lost is never the you that is found.  For me, the me I found was so much different than the one I lost.  I went from the girl who sought constant approval from everyone to the woman who did not care if you approved.  I realize that I am the only one that has to be happy with my decisions.  Coming from my family, that is hard to realize and accomplish.  My grandmother’s favorite phrase is: “If I was you…” (Yes, I know that is incorrect grammar.)

So in the “If I was you” world, it is hard to decide for yourself. I have my grandmother telling me what is best, my mother telling me what is best, and me telling me what I want. Of course, Granny and Mom are always right, but sometimes the decisions that they would make, are not the decisions that would benefit me.  I am creative.  I am sensitive.  I am loving.  I am considerate.  I am constantly thinking ahead and over-analyzing everything.  Not all of these traits are good traits, but they are mine.

My traits make me, me.  Plain and simple.  I  think everyone likes to look at themselves as breaking the mold of whatever mold they feel stuck in; I know I do.  My mold is this:  overweight my entire life, band geek, good at school (not so good at life), loves reading, introvert that loves to talk, opinionated, animal lover (more so than people lover), and sensitive. (Oh, did I mention sensitive?)  These things make up me.

The overweight part of me has made me sensitive in a lot of areas that I do not think other people are.  I never really thought a lot about my weight growing up, because I was not really picked on because of it.  I am from a small town, and it is just the way I always was.  Everyone accepted me, loved me, friended me, and included me.  I always wanted to play volleyball.  I never did. I could not run like the rest of my friends, I joined the band.  The worst part of band camp – running the ONE lap around the football field.  Yes, I said one.  I hated it, I dreaded it, and it almost gave me anxiety to think about it.  Literally, I wanted to call in sick to band camp for this reason; however, there was no calling in sick to band camp.  I sucked it up and finished last every day.

When I went away to college, this is where I started noticing the difference.  People did not really comment, at least the people I knew.  I would get rude remarks walking into a store or out of a restaurant.  I would just ignore them and act like I had not heard them.  I did hear them, and they hurt.  I knew I was a “big” girl, but I was still a girl.  This is where dating comes in.  I never really dated in high school, because all of the boys were like brothers.  I knew them from age 5 to now.  We knew everything about each other, and I did not want to date that.  I am sure they did not want to date me either.

In college I met and dated quite a few guys.  One specifically sticks with me, because he was a chubby lover.  The bigger the girl, the more he liked it.  I found this out very soon after we started dating.  It always made me feel uncomfortable, and never good about myself.  I just felt like a side show of sorts.  We dated for almost two years.  Why?  Because he liked me and was there.

As the years went on, I dated lots of men who were more like boys, and I really never had a connection with.  I never really felt like any of them knew me, because I would not let them know me.  I was proud of my education (because I was good at it), and this bothered some of them.  (Strong woman, strong mind – scared little boy.)  I did not care that it bothered them, I dumbed it down so they would not feel threatened.  I felt like I needed to do this, for them.

Along the way, and through the years, I lost myself.  I lost who I was.  I stopped putting myself first.  I put school, work, and whatever boyfriend I had at the time first.  My mother never encouraged this, please do not misunderstand this.  My mother always preached independence and not letting a man take care of you.  A woman need to be able to take care of herself in any situation.  I learned from an awesome mother, who was single for a part of my childhood, and did everything by herself.  She was amazing, and tried to instill that in me as well.  It just took longer for me to realize it.

Fast forward a few years, I have graduated, I have moved, and I have started a new job.  I also have a new boyfriend.  This one was a complete game changer for me.  He knew me.  He understood me.  He got me.  He loved me.  The last thing is important, because in spite of knowing every little secret and thought I had, he loved me.  I loved him for this reason.  He helped me find a part of myself again.  He helped me realize that I am worth more than I thought.  I have more to offer than just a fancy education, and that I am amazing all on my own.  Granted, we are not together anymore, but he gave me something no one else can.  He gave me the ability and confidence to find myself again.

I have found myself.  I am by no means comfortable in my own skin, and I kind of lost sight of me for a bit.  It was a hard journey out of the depressed state I was in, but I found the light that is me and within me again.  I realized while in my challenge group, that all of the ladies with me have also been through some sort of self-discovery all on their own.  They are an amazing group of women, who inspire me to be even better than my best self as of today.  I have a family and friends who are supporting me so very much.  I have an excellent, understanding and so very considerate boyfriend that I adore more and more every day.  I have a job with excellent co-workers.  I have goals.  It is good to have me back again!

Friday the 13th…

HAPPY FRIDAY, my people! I am pretty pumped about this weekend. Not that I have major plans, but because I am off of work and can sleep in! This morning I cheated again, I slept a little longer, and put yoga off until tonight. I really enjoy my yoga in the morning, as well at night. It helps get my pumped for the morning, and helps me slow down and chill at night. Weird, right?

My goal was to get up early, by 7, every morning in preparation for Week 1 of my 21 Day Fix. Coach Tulin told us all to work out in the morning, before anything else. First thing, so I made an effort to adjust my schedule beforehand. I did not want to hurt myself or my progress by not being ready for the morning, or the workout. (I still may not be ready for the workout, but I am going to try it!)

Today was an extremely long day for, so I skipped out of work a little early. I went to see the boyfriend and the pup. Both make me happier in way that I ever thought I could be. We discussed my 21 day fix information, and tomorrow, I am taking him the book to look at. He has been wonderful in the support in every aspect of the journey. He supported the cost, which I had a hard time swallowing, and he is also supporting and even asking about my yoga workouts this week. I know if I need a little kick in the booty, which he will be there to do the job.

Also, I had my measurements done yesterday at work. I have the record put up safely and ready for the improved list to compare to at the end of the month. I am really pumped about getting results. I just have to remember any result is better that no result. Non-scale victories are important!

Non-scale victories are just as important, if not more important than the scale victories. If I have gained three pounds, but I can do a push up, as a week ago I couldn’t. Guess what, the push up is a non-scale victory, and that is something to be proud of. I have noticed a little bit of soreness in my core, and I am proud of that! Today I kept flexing my tummy, just to feel the twinge of difference. That is muscle building people!

I feel like I really don’t have a lot more to say except for this weekend is much needed, and I am ready for it! I just really wanted to put my thoughts down about my new journey! Thanks for the support and continued reading!

Technology vs. Initmacy

Living during the time that technology is leading the way in everything, it is hard to realize when instead of doing good, technology is doing harm. Think back to when you were younger; did you always have everything at your fingertips? Did you rely on technology to get you from point a to point b? Did you actually have conversations with people more regularly? How about writing a letter, or a thank you note? When is the last time you did any of these things without relying on your technological devices?

I am not saying technology is a bad thing. Please, don’t misunderstand. I am saying that technology has definitely made things a lot easier and faster to access; however, it has also caused a great divide in society. Do not get me wrong, I love my GPS, because without it, I would never get anywhere new. Nor, would I be able to look up something I did not know what it was, without the easy access of Google on my smartphone. I do find it unnerving when I am out to dinner without someone, and they cannot put down their phone long enough to seem interested in the world around them. I also find it offensive when someone is checking out at a market or anywhere, and doesn’t put down their phone to give the greeting of “Hello” to their cashier, or server.

I find this use of connecting with anything, or anyone at any time amazing, and rude. I feel as if you do not have the time to treat your server like a person, who is helping you; you should not be there. If you cannot grace someone who asks how your day is with nothing other than a smile, because you are too busy on the phone, you should have waited to complete the task when you were not on the phone. Not only is technology making us forget our manners, but it is causing a lack in social skills for the younger generation. I have seen groups of teenagers out in public, all on cell phones, not even looking or talking to one another, because they are all focused on their handheld devices. They are not being social at all.
Not only does this technology affect social skills of the younger generation, but the relationships of the older ones.

When is the last time you actually called someone in your family? I know for one, my grandmother does not text. I call her at least once a day to check in and say hi. I communicate with her. When is the last time you called your husband/wife/significant other/parent/siblings for a check in? Not a text or an e-mail, but an actual phone call? How many of you have been guilty of sitting in a room with your S.O., only to have yourself, them, or both of you, on a cell phone, laptop, or both for hours without saying a word? I have. I am guilty of this.

I am guilty of going to bed and picking up my cell phone to check Facebook, instead of focusing my attention to my boyfriend. I am seeing how everyone else’s day has been, but have I even asked him? Not only are we staying more focused on other’s lives than our own, but we are taking away the intimacy of relationships as a whole. When is the last time you went to bed without a cell phone, laptop, tablet, e-reader, or even TV? Do you remember? I don’t…. Think back to when you did go to bed without these devices – did you actually spend time talking to your S.O. about their day? Your plans for the future? The grocery bill? Anything? Did you actually talk to one another, other than saying goodnight and going to sleep after catching up on all of your RSS feeds?

I am not pointing fingers by any means; I am just as guilty as anyone else. I wake up, I check my text messages, I check Facebook, and then I check my e-mail, news sites, and other miscellaneous things that may catch my eye, all before even getting out of bed. I do not know the last time I wrote an actual letter, or a thank you note. I do know I have texted many thank you’s and invitations. But, an actual paper letter, sending via *gasp* the U.S. Mail?! Lunacy! It’s really not. It is the way our ancestors did it, and it is a personal touch that most of us never really get or give anymore.

So this new year, 2015, the year technology grows and increases the ease of our lives, I also challenge you to put down the technology. Put it down! That’s right, put down the cell phone, put up the laptop, iPod, e-reader, handheld gaming device, or systems you may have, put it down. Face someone in your life and talk to them. Write them a letter. Play a board game! Do something together that does not include technology, but each other. Read a paper book. Write an actual letter. Get down to basics in life.

If you accept my challenge, please keep me up to date on the things you have rediscovered that you enjoy, or even a new hobby that you enjoy. I have added a reading list, a walking group, and date nights with friends. These are the things I have found time for. What will you find time for?