Repurpose

It has been a while since I last updated the masses on the happenings in my world, so what better time than the beginning of a new year.  Happy 2016, everyone!

I am always happy to see a New Year come bursting forth with the fireworks, ball drops, and drunken people into the streets; however, this year, I was PUMPED!  2015 started out pretty rough as far as dealing with some sickness and work stress, but it took a turn, and ended really well.

I got a new job, one that I have been wanting for a while, it happened at just the right time.  I am loving my new job, and so blessed to have it.  I feel like a completely different person, full of life and happiness.  I do not dread getting up and going to work.  I enjoy getting dressed and seeing what my day will hold for me.  I am happy to have found a place and a job that allows me the freedom of doing what I love, and a company that I feel is just as amazing as the job itself.  I am really blessed.

The BF and I , (more like the BF, and I help), took the adventure of getting a puppy in January of 2015, and she is now a year old.  Her name is Maci, and anyone that knows me well, knows she is the love of my life.  She is a furball of happiness and surprises every day.  She makes me world a happy place, and reminds me that there is always happiness  in the simple things.  I could ramble about her all day and all night, because I love her so much, but I will spare you and just leave you with the cutest photo of her EVER!

 

12039417_10100419241884535_7620912163216531451_n

See what I mean?! Adorable and fluffy and pure love.

Two of my cousins had babies in 2015, both boys, and a month a half a part.  I have enjoyed watching the two boys grow.  I cannot wait until they are older and actually causing mischief together.  I’m sure they will be raising all kinds of hell in their future.  I will enjoy all of it, and their parents’ faces when the stories come out!

I also completed three 5K’s in 2015.  I had a goal of completing a 5K when I was 30.  I didn’t meet that goal, but I did complete three of them in my 32nd year, and I am completely okay with that.  I feel like this past year has really allowed me to get to know myself.  I feel like with everything that has been going on over the past few years, I have lost a bit of myself and my way.

In 2015, I found myself, and was reminded of who and what I am.  I am happy with me, work in progress that I am.  I have learned some valuable lessons in life and in love.  I am so very lucky to have found a man that I am completely head over heels for, and that has shown me what it’s like to “grow up”.  I know this sounds crazy, but everyone has parts of their life they are not proud of, and they need to work on.  I am okay with admitting my problem areas for the first time in a long time, and I am working on them.  Slow and steady wins the race.

The year of 2015 was a recovery and rediscovering period for me, and 2016 will be the regrowth year.  I am ready!  I have decided to focus on my faith, finances, and my relationships.  This really is the year of growth and regrowth for me.  I hope this year is a year of joy and blessings for all of you, as well!

Snow Day Fun Day

workflow

This is how I work, guys!

Today, is a snow day in Alabama!  We have 10 inches, and it is still snowing.  It is so rare and so far between that it is amazing when it happens.  I have been looking at Facebook all day of pictures from home, and man do I miss the country.  I am happy I have power though, which my parents do not.  I will stay right here in my city snow wonderland.

My 21 Day Fix is still kicking.  I am so proud of myself for having constant movement and exercise for three week.  Of course, there are rest days in there.  I have decided that I really like my yoga at night, and I think I will pick it up again.  It helps stretch my body at night after sitting at a desk all day.  Not yoga with Autumn, but Yoga with Adriene.  It is much more relaxed and about finding what feels good, which I love!

Yesterday’s workout was a challenge, but a good one.  It was Total Body Cardio, which I feel gets me moving and stretch really well.  I feel like I am working my whole body, and my heartrate really gets going.  I was at the boyfriend’s so Maci was helping me workout.  She did really well for the most part, until the ground workouts hit.  She decided when it was crunch time, she would lay on my chest.  I let her stay, and it was actually pretty effective.  I think she liked it too.  She loved chasing my pony tail too. That was the challenging part.  Keeping her off of my head.

Today, was snow day number two.  I woke up around 7:30, got my workout in.  Today was upper body.  It was amazing!  I got a resistance band last week, and it really helped.  I did not feel like I got a good upper body workout last week, except for planking, push-ups, and abs.  Which was still good, but my arms did not really feel anything.  That is not.  With my band, my workout was so much better and I loved it!

My booty and legs are a little sore today, which as my friend, Danielle, says.  She loves that feeling, and I am loving it too.  It means my body is working and I am getting results.  When I do not feel a little stiffness the next day, I actually feel a little sad and know I did not keep my form as well as I need to.  I really concentrated on keeping my core engaged today.  Every time I breathed in, I would “HA!” out to get my core re-engaged.  I am really hoping for some sore abs tomorrow.

For the rest of my day, I am going to enjoy not having to do a thing.  I have my comfy clothes on, some books lined up, Netflix on and my meals planned.  Next up, scrambled eggs, sweet potato hashbrowns, and turkey bacon.  I am drooling thinking about it.

I wish I could bottle the happiness and excitement I feel about my new journey and lifestyle.  The lifestyle change is the workout every morning.  I am loving it.  I feel like I am waking up from a long, lazy, energy deprived state.  I know there are some of you out there reading who may be interested in my program and want some more information.  PLEASE, do not hesitate or be scared to ask me.  I am absolutely excited to talk and share with people.

Keep in touch, my lovelies!

Me? Me? Or me?

I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life.  I am sure I struggled with it as a teen too, but never really thought twice about it.  I sucked it up and moved on. As an adult, it has been much harder.  I think as we grow up, we realize that life does not always get better, there are hardships that we face, we lose loved ones, we lose loves, we lose friends, and we ever lose ourselves.

I lost myself.  Once you lose yourself, it is so hard to find “you” again.  The you that was lost is never the you that is found.  For me, the me I found was so much different than the one I lost.  I went from the girl who sought constant approval from everyone to the woman who did not care if you approved.  I realize that I am the only one that has to be happy with my decisions.  Coming from my family, that is hard to realize and accomplish.  My grandmother’s favorite phrase is: “If I was you…” (Yes, I know that is incorrect grammar.)

So in the “If I was you” world, it is hard to decide for yourself. I have my grandmother telling me what is best, my mother telling me what is best, and me telling me what I want. Of course, Granny and Mom are always right, but sometimes the decisions that they would make, are not the decisions that would benefit me.  I am creative.  I am sensitive.  I am loving.  I am considerate.  I am constantly thinking ahead and over-analyzing everything.  Not all of these traits are good traits, but they are mine.

My traits make me, me.  Plain and simple.  I  think everyone likes to look at themselves as breaking the mold of whatever mold they feel stuck in; I know I do.  My mold is this:  overweight my entire life, band geek, good at school (not so good at life), loves reading, introvert that loves to talk, opinionated, animal lover (more so than people lover), and sensitive. (Oh, did I mention sensitive?)  These things make up me.

The overweight part of me has made me sensitive in a lot of areas that I do not think other people are.  I never really thought a lot about my weight growing up, because I was not really picked on because of it.  I am from a small town, and it is just the way I always was.  Everyone accepted me, loved me, friended me, and included me.  I always wanted to play volleyball.  I never did. I could not run like the rest of my friends, I joined the band.  The worst part of band camp – running the ONE lap around the football field.  Yes, I said one.  I hated it, I dreaded it, and it almost gave me anxiety to think about it.  Literally, I wanted to call in sick to band camp for this reason; however, there was no calling in sick to band camp.  I sucked it up and finished last every day.

When I went away to college, this is where I started noticing the difference.  People did not really comment, at least the people I knew.  I would get rude remarks walking into a store or out of a restaurant.  I would just ignore them and act like I had not heard them.  I did hear them, and they hurt.  I knew I was a “big” girl, but I was still a girl.  This is where dating comes in.  I never really dated in high school, because all of the boys were like brothers.  I knew them from age 5 to now.  We knew everything about each other, and I did not want to date that.  I am sure they did not want to date me either.

In college I met and dated quite a few guys.  One specifically sticks with me, because he was a chubby lover.  The bigger the girl, the more he liked it.  I found this out very soon after we started dating.  It always made me feel uncomfortable, and never good about myself.  I just felt like a side show of sorts.  We dated for almost two years.  Why?  Because he liked me and was there.

As the years went on, I dated lots of men who were more like boys, and I really never had a connection with.  I never really felt like any of them knew me, because I would not let them know me.  I was proud of my education (because I was good at it), and this bothered some of them.  (Strong woman, strong mind – scared little boy.)  I did not care that it bothered them, I dumbed it down so they would not feel threatened.  I felt like I needed to do this, for them.

Along the way, and through the years, I lost myself.  I lost who I was.  I stopped putting myself first.  I put school, work, and whatever boyfriend I had at the time first.  My mother never encouraged this, please do not misunderstand this.  My mother always preached independence and not letting a man take care of you.  A woman need to be able to take care of herself in any situation.  I learned from an awesome mother, who was single for a part of my childhood, and did everything by herself.  She was amazing, and tried to instill that in me as well.  It just took longer for me to realize it.

Fast forward a few years, I have graduated, I have moved, and I have started a new job.  I also have a new boyfriend.  This one was a complete game changer for me.  He knew me.  He understood me.  He got me.  He loved me.  The last thing is important, because in spite of knowing every little secret and thought I had, he loved me.  I loved him for this reason.  He helped me find a part of myself again.  He helped me realize that I am worth more than I thought.  I have more to offer than just a fancy education, and that I am amazing all on my own.  Granted, we are not together anymore, but he gave me something no one else can.  He gave me the ability and confidence to find myself again.

I have found myself.  I am by no means comfortable in my own skin, and I kind of lost sight of me for a bit.  It was a hard journey out of the depressed state I was in, but I found the light that is me and within me again.  I realized while in my challenge group, that all of the ladies with me have also been through some sort of self-discovery all on their own.  They are an amazing group of women, who inspire me to be even better than my best self as of today.  I have a family and friends who are supporting me so very much.  I have an excellent, understanding and so very considerate boyfriend that I adore more and more every day.  I have a job with excellent co-workers.  I have goals.  It is good to have me back again!

Friday the 13th…

HAPPY FRIDAY, my people! I am pretty pumped about this weekend. Not that I have major plans, but because I am off of work and can sleep in! This morning I cheated again, I slept a little longer, and put yoga off until tonight. I really enjoy my yoga in the morning, as well at night. It helps get my pumped for the morning, and helps me slow down and chill at night. Weird, right?

My goal was to get up early, by 7, every morning in preparation for Week 1 of my 21 Day Fix. Coach Tulin told us all to work out in the morning, before anything else. First thing, so I made an effort to adjust my schedule beforehand. I did not want to hurt myself or my progress by not being ready for the morning, or the workout. (I still may not be ready for the workout, but I am going to try it!)

Today was an extremely long day for, so I skipped out of work a little early. I went to see the boyfriend and the pup. Both make me happier in way that I ever thought I could be. We discussed my 21 day fix information, and tomorrow, I am taking him the book to look at. He has been wonderful in the support in every aspect of the journey. He supported the cost, which I had a hard time swallowing, and he is also supporting and even asking about my yoga workouts this week. I know if I need a little kick in the booty, which he will be there to do the job.

Also, I had my measurements done yesterday at work. I have the record put up safely and ready for the improved list to compare to at the end of the month. I am really pumped about getting results. I just have to remember any result is better that no result. Non-scale victories are important!

Non-scale victories are just as important, if not more important than the scale victories. If I have gained three pounds, but I can do a push up, as a week ago I couldn’t. Guess what, the push up is a non-scale victory, and that is something to be proud of. I have noticed a little bit of soreness in my core, and I am proud of that! Today I kept flexing my tummy, just to feel the twinge of difference. That is muscle building people!

I feel like I really don’t have a lot more to say except for this weekend is much needed, and I am ready for it! I just really wanted to put my thoughts down about my new journey! Thanks for the support and continued reading!

Journey to the Center of…. ME!

Okay Y’all, I am excited! On my last post, I talked about my new support group and I want to talk about that for a minute. This group is designed for woman – plus-sized women. We as women are all on journeys, and no one’s journey is less important or hard than any other person’s journey. This group focuses on the modification of exercises to help be successful in the workout, and not feeling like you failed because you could not do a burpee. (I will do a burpee by the end of 6 months.) It highlights the non-scale victories, such as I completed 10 minutes of a workout, not this was 20 minute workout and I suck because I could only do 10 minutes. This is a celebratory group, as well as a support group.

I think, we as women tend to see what other women are doing right, or wrong, and focus on this. We tear them down or build them up. In turn, this building up/tearing down makes us feel either like crap, or awesome. That is bad! Stop it! Stop it right now!
We as woman, or people, need to support each other. Life is hard, and it is messy. We all have our ups and our downs, so stop being mean and judgmental of others to either help or hurt yourself and them in the process. SUPPORT ONE ANOTHER!

I find myself being extremely lucky. When I blogged last, I was feeling so low and tired. Today, I realized I had been sick of a month, and I was tired. I hadn’t felt well, and in turn that took it’s emotional toll and had me down in the dumps. This does not mean that I am happy with my current weight situation, of gaining 30 pounds, but it means that I have realized that everyone gets down and that is okay.

I made the comment about I couldn’t remember the last time my boyfriend told me I was pretty. This is true; however, it does not mean that I know he does not. We have been dating for a little over a year and a half; and, let me tell you,if he is still around, that means there is something about me he likes! I am not easy to be around, and he still sticks by my side and encourages me in everything I do. I am so blessed to have him to support and encourage me. Granted, he may be sick on this support group by the end of the month, because I will not shut up about it. (That is how excited I am!)

This blog is more about a check in with me and life in general than anything specific. I was just sitting here reading through all of the threads and comments from the other lovely woman in my group, and I was so overwhelmed with the excitement and eagerness of the group, that I felt as if I needed to update you guys. It is going to be a slow journey, with ups and downs, but I am ready. With my wonderful group of ladies online, my wonderful love, and my friends and family, I CAN do this.

I hope to keep you guys updated on my journey with little tidbits here and there. You know me, I cannot stay off of social media, so I am sure there will be more to come there as well. Also, if you are wondering about my group and what it is about, please feel free to search Coach Tulin. She is amazing, whether you’re a plus-sized lady like myself, or fit as a fiddle, she has great insight and is worth checking out.

The Beginning of a New Journey

**For my family and friends,  this does have language. 

I read a blog entry titled, “What the fuck is Fuckable.”  In the blog, a woman describes how she has been preparing for a role for two years,  only to find out two weeks before filming she is being let go.  The reason, she just wasn’t fuckable.  

As a woman, I am at the stage where I feel unfuckable.  I feel frumpy, dont want to do my hair, I rarely dress up, or wear makeup.  Now, I know these things do not make you pretty or fuckable; however, I am in a funk and feel like all of this works against me in that area.  Honestly, it has nothing to do with my fuckability, it has to do with how I feel about myself. 

I do not remember the last time my boyfriend told me I was pretty. He does on occassion tell me I look nice, when I actually wear real clothes, not leggings and a sweatshirt. This makes me smile and say thank you,  because it makes me feel like the effort was worth it. Someone noticed I tried! 

This morning I took a selfie.  I had gotten myself an iced venti latte from Starbucks,  wearing a new scarf that I got and I love. I thought I was looking good. I posted the picture on Facebook. Later as I was scrolling through saw it again.  I have gained weight. My face was fat! Why would I post this?! Horrible!

Some of you may know who Coach Tulin is, if you don’t,  I suggest you look her up. She is an amazing woman, and I admire her. She is a plus-sized fitness coach and motivator. She is offering a support group, and I am joining! I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, and I finally stopped making excuses.  I AM DOING THIS!

I also have to thank my friend, Danielle too. She is always into fitness and posts on Instagram her workouts of the day. She is doing a 30 days of yoga workout, and I want to do that!  I am going to start with the beginners guide to yoga, by the same person, and hopefully with Coach Tulins help, we can modify and help me too!

So this is me posting my goals for the world to see. I do have a weight goal; but more importantly,  I have a fit goal! Wish me luck!