Yesterday was Halloween. I was in my office at work and I thought about all of the Halloween’s past. I know, I know, cliché-esque I know. Christmas past, Halloween past. Whatever, go with me.
I have been feeling pretty low about my career situation lately. I went to school for this amazing degree, that I love everything about it. I love literature, I love criticism, I love discussion, and I love analyzing. I LOVE MY DEGREE! I worked so hard for it, and I feel like it just sits on the shelf gathering dust, as the diploma that came with it. I have been asking myself, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” a lot lately. The answer is still a teacher, a helper, and a motivator. Not a coordinator.
For once in my life, I can say I am happy with everything else. I am happy with my relationship. I am happy with my friends. I am happy with my hobbies, let me rephrase, I have found hobbies, and I am in love with them. I am completely head over heels for Maci, the new fur baby in my life. As well as her daddy, which is a good thing, considering we are coming up on two years. He definitely has my heart like no other ever has.
I feel like I am getting my creative juices flowing again, writing, painting, creating, and getting the energy out. Also, I started focusing on my health. My workout regimen is on point, and I miss it if I miss a morning, and feel weird until I do it. I have learned to listen to my body, rest when I need it, and push it a little farther each day. I have registered for a 5K on April 4, and I am stoked! I have never been excited about doing anything healthy. It is a new lifestyle and I love this life.
Tonight, I was invited in on an opportunity which I think is amazing, and feel so blessed to have been asked to be a part of. I have worked hard at finding out who I am over the past few years. You tend to lose yourself, or really not know who you are until after college. You are so caught up in working and going to school, and doing what everyone else wants you to do, that you forget to find out what you want to do, or like to do.
After school, I could not even tell people what my hobbies were. I had not had enough free time to even know what I enjoyed anymore. I loved to read before, but not the sight of a book made me cringe. It took me almost two years to pick up a book and read it for fun. I had read so much throughout my undergrad and my graduate studies that I just wanted to go blank and stare at a TV for hours. Now, I am finding me, and have spent a good while convincing myself it is okay to put me first for once.
I have been posting a lot of “self-discovery” blogs lately, but I just want people to know that it is okay to put yourself first. Women tend to put others first, always and forget that they have to take care of themselves as well. In my plus-sized support group, most of the women are in their 40s and 50s, stating they have forgotten to care for themselves through marriages, children, jobs and so forth. They are just now realizing how unhealthy they are. Health is not the only thing that can go to the wayside, happiness, life, and just enjoying the small things tend to be forgotten, and then before you know it, POOF, you realize you lost yourself somewhere along the way.
I am 31, almost 32, single and childless. I am very thankful for this time in my life. It is allowing me to focus on me, whereas a few years ago, I was upset and felt like a failure because I ended the relationship I thought was going to be the forever happily ever after. I fell into a deep depression, I rarely left the house, I slept all of the time, and I was miserable. Slowly, I came out of my fog, and started venturing out on my own, and realized there is still a life to live. Even though I hate my job, at the moment, I am blessed to have it. However, I am so glad I started my journey to fit, because without it, I would not be where I am today. I have a great group of ladies that I get to communicate, encourage, and see their struggles daily.
Today, I am a happier, healthier me. I am blessed, and this group, and lifestyle change has opened so many doors for me. I honestly can say that I have never been happier with myself or with my progress. I just hope I can motivate, help, and hold hands with other women like myself, that need a little pick me up, or soundboard at some point in their lives. Women should encourage other women, not put them down. We are all struggling with our demons, why not help someone through theirs, instead of a *tsk tsk*and a head shake in disappointment or sorrow for them. Offer a hand to lift them up. Do not look down on someone unless you are lifting them up.
I have a friend, my very first best friend, as it were, that sent me the happiest of news last night, “Paul and I are having a baby in May 2015!!!” I was elated for them. They have been married almost two years, dated for 5 years before that, we all knew it was just a matter of time for these two, but the news came and we all were happy and responding with well wishes, congratulations, and the jokes that come with “doing it” from your old high school crowd.
About an hour later, as the texts were dying off, and our jokes were coming to an end, she sent a message that felt like someone had punched me in the gut, “The second generation is getting big!” Meaning our “crew” from school were all having babies of their own. This didn’t hit me like a rock because she said it, or because I am not happy for my friends, but because I am not part of this group.
Before long, out nights out for dinner and game night will be changed to play dates and birthday parties, and where will I be? I will be the one everyone smiles at and hugs, saying hi and secretly wondering when I will join the reign of “mom.” Will I ever join this so close-knit group? I have no idea.
Last night I had the first ticks of my biological clock. It ticked loud, and hard, and long. I sat in silence starting at my wall thinking, “What if I never have children?” “What if I never get married?” I know I am told, “Oh! You still have plenty of time!” But do I? I had surgery last week for endometriosis. This means my uterus doesn’t function properly, and a lot of women deal with this and go on to have tons of babies. Then there are the other women, who fight this issue their entire lives, and life of their fertility, only to take numerous drugs and shots, and still be disappointed. This is where people tell me, “Well, that isn’t you!” and “God has a plan.”
Yes, God does have a plan, and what if God’s plan does not include a family for me? I am a control freak. I have problems handing anything over to anyone. This follows me into my faith, as well. I have to catch myself several times a day, week, and month trying to make something happen, to control an uncontrollable situation. I take a step back, think on it, and eventually say a prayer saying I am sorry for fighting His plan, and trying to take control myself. I ask for help in handing the issue over, and pray for strength that I will eventually find it easier to let God take control.
One day, I may have a child or children, and if I do, I will consider myself blessed. One day, I may wake up and find my options exhausted, as well as myself, and decide it just isn’t going to happen for me. As for now, I am still extremely happy for my loved ones who are starting families, and growing them. I will still love on the little babies, and smell their clean hair, and rock them until I can’t feel my arms anymore. Then there will be moments, or days where these growing pains actually hurt. Deep down, painfully hurt, and that is okay too.