Repurpose

It has been a while since I last updated the masses on the happenings in my world, so what better time than the beginning of a new year.  Happy 2016, everyone!

I am always happy to see a New Year come bursting forth with the fireworks, ball drops, and drunken people into the streets; however, this year, I was PUMPED!  2015 started out pretty rough as far as dealing with some sickness and work stress, but it took a turn, and ended really well.

I got a new job, one that I have been wanting for a while, it happened at just the right time.  I am loving my new job, and so blessed to have it.  I feel like a completely different person, full of life and happiness.  I do not dread getting up and going to work.  I enjoy getting dressed and seeing what my day will hold for me.  I am happy to have found a place and a job that allows me the freedom of doing what I love, and a company that I feel is just as amazing as the job itself.  I am really blessed.

The BF and I , (more like the BF, and I help), took the adventure of getting a puppy in January of 2015, and she is now a year old.  Her name is Maci, and anyone that knows me well, knows she is the love of my life.  She is a furball of happiness and surprises every day.  She makes me world a happy place, and reminds me that there is always happiness  in the simple things.  I could ramble about her all day and all night, because I love her so much, but I will spare you and just leave you with the cutest photo of her EVER!

 

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See what I mean?! Adorable and fluffy and pure love.

Two of my cousins had babies in 2015, both boys, and a month a half a part.  I have enjoyed watching the two boys grow.  I cannot wait until they are older and actually causing mischief together.  I’m sure they will be raising all kinds of hell in their future.  I will enjoy all of it, and their parents’ faces when the stories come out!

I also completed three 5K’s in 2015.  I had a goal of completing a 5K when I was 30.  I didn’t meet that goal, but I did complete three of them in my 32nd year, and I am completely okay with that.  I feel like this past year has really allowed me to get to know myself.  I feel like with everything that has been going on over the past few years, I have lost a bit of myself and my way.

In 2015, I found myself, and was reminded of who and what I am.  I am happy with me, work in progress that I am.  I have learned some valuable lessons in life and in love.  I am so very lucky to have found a man that I am completely head over heels for, and that has shown me what it’s like to “grow up”.  I know this sounds crazy, but everyone has parts of their life they are not proud of, and they need to work on.  I am okay with admitting my problem areas for the first time in a long time, and I am working on them.  Slow and steady wins the race.

The year of 2015 was a recovery and rediscovering period for me, and 2016 will be the regrowth year.  I am ready!  I have decided to focus on my faith, finances, and my relationships.  This really is the year of growth and regrowth for me.  I hope this year is a year of joy and blessings for all of you, as well!

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Past, Present, Future

I was driving from my city life, to my old country life on Sunday.  I exited the interstate, turned on to a country road and saw the signs, “Come Enjoy Easter Sunday at the Cowboy Church!”  I knew there was a cowboy church not far on the left, and it made me smile as I got closer and saw all of the cars and people in the parking lot.  They were fellowshipping and talking, most wearing jeans and cowboy hats, then I spotted them; two regal cowboys mounted on their horses by the drive. They looked like statues, sitting still, and serious, rugged lines across their faces, one holding an American flag and the other holding the Christian flag.  It took my breath away.  I forgot to breathe just for a second, as I continued on down the windy road toward my own family.

I spent the day loving on my cousins’ new babies. I played with Lea, the spitfire of a little girl, who never sits still.  She hunted eggs more times that I can count.  I ate more than I like to admit, and I visited, which made me realize I do not get to go it enough.

The family was there, most of us anyway.  We were missing a few who live farther away and could not make it.  We did get to see their Easter pictures online after lunch, and laughed and talked about how much we missed them and how fast times seems to go.  We were a little nostalgic at the Easter’s past.  We remembered how we had prize eggs.  How my cousin Heather always seemed to find said prize egg, and how my grandpa always painted that prize egg.

We talked about our relatives present and past.  We smiled at the memories and laughed at some of them.  Some of them were a little more sad than others, due to we were missing so many people who have passed.  I know for me, I miss my grandpa the most at Easter, due to said prize egg painting and daffodils blooming.  The wind always brings the fresh scent of Spring with it, and a little twinge of sadness.

As I drove home from my Easter Sunday spent with my family, I passed a tractor cutting a field, getting it ready for planting.  I thought of the cowboys again, sitting regally on their horses.  They were messengers of God that day.  To me, they reminded me of all of the things I am thankful for.  I am thankful for all of the farmers in our nation, who provide us with the food we eat daily.  They are not really cowboys, but farmers, but those cowboys symbolized so much to me.

They symbolized the past, of country weekends and nights, the present, of being both country and city, and the future, something I have yet to see.  The country disappeared behind me as I veered onto the interstate, and drove toward my present and future with a little sadness.  Even though I have lived in the city for over 10 years now, I will never lose that part of me that loves dirt roads, fishing holes, four wheelers, trucks, and animals.  I will always want goats and chickens, maybe one day I will have them, but for now, my city life is my life, and I will live in and enjoy the present.

Growing Pains

I have a friend, my very first best friend, as it were, that sent me the happiest of news last night, “Paul and I are having a baby in May 2015!!!” I was elated for them. They have been married almost two years, dated for 5 years before that, we all knew it was just a matter of time for these two, but the news came and we all were happy and responding with well wishes, congratulations, and the jokes that come with “doing it” from your old high school crowd.

About an hour later, as the texts were dying off, and our jokes were coming to an end, she sent a message that felt like someone had punched me in the gut, “The second generation is getting big!” Meaning our “crew” from school were all having babies of their own. This didn’t hit me like a rock because she said it, or because I am not happy for my friends, but because I am not part of this group.

Before long, out nights out for dinner and game night will be changed to play dates and birthday parties, and where will I be? I will be the one everyone smiles at and hugs, saying hi and secretly wondering when I will join the reign of “mom.” Will I ever join this so close-knit group? I have no idea.
Last night I had the first ticks of my biological clock. It ticked loud, and hard, and long. I sat in silence starting at my wall thinking, “What if I never have children?” “What if I never get married?” I know I am told, “Oh! You still have plenty of time!” But do I? I had surgery last week for endometriosis. This means my uterus doesn’t function properly, and a lot of women deal with this and go on to have tons of babies. Then there are the other women, who fight this issue their entire lives, and life of their fertility, only to take numerous drugs and shots, and still be disappointed. This is where people tell me, “Well, that isn’t you!” and “God has a plan.”

Yes, God does have a plan, and what if God’s plan does not include a family for me? I am a control freak. I have problems handing anything over to anyone. This follows me into my faith, as well. I have to catch myself several times a day, week, and month trying to make something happen, to control an uncontrollable situation. I take a step back, think on it, and eventually say a prayer saying I am sorry for fighting His plan, and trying to take control myself. I ask for help in handing the issue over, and pray for strength that I will eventually find it easier to let God take control.

One day, I may have a child or children, and if I do, I will consider myself blessed. One day, I may wake up and find my options exhausted, as well as myself, and decide it just isn’t going to happen for me. As for now, I am still extremely happy for my loved ones who are starting families, and growing them. I will still love on the little babies, and smell their clean hair, and rock them until I can’t feel my arms anymore. Then there will be moments, or days where these growing pains actually hurt. Deep down, painfully hurt, and that is okay too.

Summertime

I squint at the bright summer sun, swiping my bangs out of my eyes.  It is humid, and the curls that have escaped my ponytail immediately stick to the back of my neck and side of my face.  I am four.  I slide the white framed heart-shaped sunglasses over my light blue eyes and step off of the porch.  The cement step burns my bare feet.  I run across the dusty front yard and get into the car.

My granny slides into the driver’s seat beside me, and cranks the car, rolling the windows down, releasing all of the smothering hot air.  She starts the car, and we begin our trip.  I watch out of the window as we drive through town.  At the local store, I see my Uncle Otis getting out of his ’68 gold VW Beetle.  Granny beeps the horn, his balding head turns, as he throws up his hand in a waive.  We continue to the end of town, turning onto a long dusty, dirt road.

Granny puts the car in park and reaches into the backseat.  She hands me a little wicker basket, that is probably left over from a few Easter’s ago.  I push the heavy car door open, stepping out into the summer sun.  Granny gets out of the car, opens the back door, and gets a yellow five gallon bucket.  She then puts her blue hat on the top of her short, black curly hair, pulling it low over her eyes, as she walks to the crouched over old man standing a few feet away.  I follow her dragging my bare toes in the dust, watching the swiggle patterns emerge and snake their way to where my feet stop. I look behind me to see a trail of light dust from my path catch in the ever so light breeze that has begun to blow.

I hear Granny thank the man, and call to me to follow her.  We head off of the dirt road into long rows of green vines, loaded heavily with bright red berries.  I watch as Granny gently pulls the biggest berry on the vine and hands it to me.  I take it amazed that it is almost the size of my four-year old palm.  I gaze at the bright vivid red color, and marvel at it’s size.

I hesitantly bring the berry to my lips, I feel the sun and the soft prickle of the berry against my mouth.  I gingerly take the first bite, as juice squirts into my mouth and dribbles down my chin.  The tartness of the berry hits my tongue first, causing me to pucker my face.  Then the warm sweetness ensues and I swallow smiling.  The pink juice is running down my chin, drying almost as fast as it runs, leaving a sticky stream down in its wake.  I pull the green stem from the top of the berry, and greedily pop the remainder of the berry in my mouth.  I chew slowly, savoring the tartness and sweetness that is singular only to the strawberry.

After the finishing my first strawberry of the season, I begin carefully snapping my first berry from it’s home on the vine.  When the berry is released from the vine, I lay it down in my basket.  Granny starts to fill her bucket, as I work on my basket.  We continue down the row of green, speckled with red, picking our bounty.  I am eating as many as I pick, while Granny consistently drops her berries into her yellow bucket.

Granny and I continue to move up and down several rows of the berries, picking only the best berries.  She tells me she’s going to make the best surprise in the world with these berries. Naturally, we only want the best.  After a couple of hours, Granny stands, stretching her back, glancing up at the sun.  She has a thin towel wrapped around her neck, she uses the end to wipe the sweat from her forehead.  She hefts her now half full bucket, and starts to walk toward the end of the row.  I follow through the dry, dusty rows of green, now scarce of red berries.  Little gnats follow me, landing on my arms and hands, trying to taste the sweet juices of the berries I have been snacking on.  I swat at them, as I walk to the car.

I get to the car, and my hands stick to the door handle as I open the door.  I have dried pink juice running down my white shirt.  I put my basket in the front seat, and push it to the middle of the seat, as I climb in behind it.  The windows have been down and the car was in the shade, so there is relief from the bright summer sun.  We ride back home in silence, both enjoying the wind that whips our hair and dries our sweat.

We pull into the driveway, each getting our own reward from the day’s work and carrying it into the house.  The screen door slams behind me, as I follow Granny into the kitchen.  She takes my basket and dumps my berries into the sink, along with her’s.  She begins to run water over the succulent berries, and they begin to float.  She then turns and starts stripping my sticky, dirty clothes off of me.

I follow her to the bathroom, where she turns the water on in the shower.  She tells me to wash up good.  I step into the shower, letting the cool water run over my now pink skin.  After I am done, I dry myself and put on my nightgown that Granny has laid out for me.  My bare feet feel warm against the cold floor of the house.  I see Granny sitting outside on the front porch.

I go outside, and sit on the warm concrete step.  Granny is a step above me, and starts to brush through my long blonde hair.  As she brushes my hair, the sun begins to set, and my hair begins to dry in the hot summer heat.  When the sun finally dips down behind the trees, she tells me we have to go inside.  The lightening bugs are just beginning to flicker in the dusk, when she tucks me between the cool cotton sheets and kisses me goodnight.

When the Wind Blows…

The wind whipped through the opening of the door, and the leaves fluttered.  I flipped on the light, giving everything a yellow hue.  I looked around the porch, before I pushed open the old screen door and stepped out.  The wind picked up again, and my hair fluttered across my face as I stopped to push it out of my eyes.  I could feel him, his presence, in everything around me.

My grandpa had just given me a hug, and I felt warm all over despite the chilly night air.  I smiled, remember when I was a little girl and wouldn’t go anywhere near the backyard at night, much less alone.  Tonight, I had my book and tea, as I wondered over to the chair that rocked silently.  As if inviting me to sit and stay a while.   I took the gladly took the invitation.  I sat, opened my book with the full intent of reading; instead, I let my mind wonder.

All of those years I had sat in this spot, watching fish jump in the pond, my grandpa on a tractor mowing and baling hay, and watching for deer as I got older.  Just as many times, I had sat at the pond and looked up at the big white house on the hill.  Always seeing my grandmother and usually my mother on this very porch watching as we fished, or rode four-wheelers, usually off of the trail, which always got us a talking to when we finally went back at dark, covered in dirt and dying for something to drink. 

Even now, almost 19 years to the day he passed, I find myself wondering what he would think of the woman I have become.  I have worked hard, and have often been disappointed in life and love; but, I have always forged on.  I crack jokes about being an English major, not a math major, and I know for a fact this statement would earn a grunt and headshake from him.  He was practical, used logic in everything, and solved problems.  I, on the other hand, use my heart and emotions to base a lot of decisions, and use a creative stance when solving major problems.  All of those arguments over homework, now make perfect sense.  I look back on them fondly, not with animosity, but with love. 

Memories of my grandpa always have one of two reactions, a smile or tears.  I am so happy that most of my memories are now bringing more smiles than tears.  To me, this means I am growing up, coping with the loss a little better than before.  I am learning to love the memories and enjoy them, not just ache from deep down in my soul when I think of him.  I am thankful that I can now think of him without pain and heartache, but with smiles and laughter. 

There still are days, and I am sure there will be more, where I will shed tears over years lost with him.  I will have anger because I did not get to spend more time with him; he didn’t get to see me grow into a woman; and he will never meet my children, and paint the “prize” Easter egg for them.  They will never have memories of my grandfather, and this does make me sad. However, every time I feel the slight stir of air when I step onto the porch, I will know that is he, and has always been with me.  I will cherish that slight second that I feel warm, and smile lovingly, because that is me hugging him back.